There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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