My hand turned me down
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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