mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
