oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
