OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
