he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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