Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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