So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
