my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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