Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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