plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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