No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
