So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
