If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
