I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
