I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
