Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
