So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
