And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
