Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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