Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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