Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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