i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
