Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
