Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
