this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
