Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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