Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
