She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
