My entire life is one complicated drinking game
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
