Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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