Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
