this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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