I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
