Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
