i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
