i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
