11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
