I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
