Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
