I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
