i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Randomize
