are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
