Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
