Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
