I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
