I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
