She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
