It's like a parade of train wrecks.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
