its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
