Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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