I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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