Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
