you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
