i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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