I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He? As in you personified your dick?
I pour the whiskey from now on
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
