Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
