Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
