I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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